Jan 22, 2024
I saw my therapist last week.
As I often do, I brought a list of things I wanted to talk about. Typically, my sessions with her start in one of two ways: either she asks about something currently relevant—following up on a past discussion or bringing up a recent event—or I start with the first thing on my list that feels either the most pressing or the easiest to bring up.
Since I hadn’t seen her since my book came out, that’s where our discussion started.
As the session progressed and we naturally wrapped up that topic, she looked at me and asked, “What else is on that list of yours?”
I considered, once again, waiting to bring up my ADHD concerns. But after some stammering and what felt like a messy, drawn-out explanation of why I was apprehensive, I finally said, “I’ve been wondering if I might have ADHD.”
As I expected, my therapist was very affirming and validating.
She explained that, due to our long-term relationship, she knew me too well to be able to diagnose me herself. However, she offered helpful insights into what seeking a diagnosis might look like and the different routes I could take. She confirmed that it made sense for me to identify with ADHD and reassured me that, with or without a formal diagnosis, I deserve to access and utilize information and strategies that help me.
Speaking with her was incredibly validating and eased some of my ADHD imposter syndrome. But it also left me with another question: Do I need or want to seek an official diagnosis?
Feb 20, 2024
After my initial conversation with my therapist, I felt better—for a while, anyway. Her validation that my concerns made sense and that I deserved to find whatever help felt right for me quieted my busy brain on the subject for a few weeks.
During that time, I shared our conversation with some trusted friends, who also validated my feelings. I thought:
Maybe that’s enough for me.
Maybe I don’t need a diagnosis.
Maybe I just needed to know that it’s okay for me to identify as neurodivergent, and now I can continue to learn about it on my own.
But as the weeks went by, memes, videos, and articles continued to populate my feeds. My behaviors cycled from disorganized to hyper-focused to somewhere in between and back again. The thoughts started bubbling back up.
I thought about how I’ve procrastinated nearly every important project or assignment I’ve ever had, both in school and in my professional life, and how often I get stuck in analysis paralysis when making even small decisions.
I remembered my ex constantly telling me that I “lacked initiative” because I procrastinated starting new, difficult, or mundane tasks around our home, and how I used to believe I simply wasn’t a hard enough worker to be successful.
I considered how—even now, looking at everything I’ve accomplished in the last few years—some days, accomplishing anything felt nearly impossible. And how I rely on visual cues and calendar reminders just to complete even the most basic tasks.
Thankfully tomorrow, I have another appointment with my therapist and another opportunity to talk this out.
Feb 29, 2024
Welp, I procrastinated once again.
I went into therapy intending to bring it up right away, honestly. Though I was hoping she would bring it up first. It was one of the last things we discussed in our previous session, after all, and it felt like a pretty big deal to me, so I was kind of counting on her to mention it.
Of course, that means she didn’t. And because she didn’t, I felt like I had a free pass not to bring it up myself.
Instead, we had a really positive session. There’s been a lot to celebrate lately—my first book, my relationship, and just generally how I’ve been feeling and handling things. Talking about all these recent wins, I almost didn’t want to bring us back down by bringing up something that felt so overwhelming.
So, I never did. And when I walked out of the session, knowing I wouldn’t be back for another six weeks, I kicked myself for it.
It’s been on my mind a lot since then.
I could wait six weeks and try again, but I now know my therapist can’t do anything beyond referring me to someone else. Which means it’s up to me to take matters into my own hands.
For me, that looked something like this:
Obsess about it while doing absolutely nothing productive except consuming social media content that reinforces my belief that I have ADHD.
Google how to get diagnosed and fill out a bunch of online assessment tools, only to find that none of them provide actual results unless I subscribe to their services—something I’m not ready or willing to do right now.
Eventually stumble onto legitimate diagnostic services and discover that many cost thousands of dollars.
Briefly consider asking my GP for an assessment, then decide against it because I’m apprehensive about medication and not super comfortable talking to my doctor.
Actually find a more affordable option and resolve to give it a try. Bookmark the link for later, because obviously, I’m doing this search on my phone right before bed.
Fail to act on said discovery for weeks and forget where I saved the link.
Repeat steps 1–6 until I’m actually ready to take action. TBD on when that is.
So, it’s safe to say progress is being made—however slowly.
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